LBM

TAKLESA. Thats what ive been yesterday to my mom.
I was just already so worried with Czesca, I didnt want to hear her comparing Czesca's situation to Rain's anymore. It was already so vivid in my mind - the unwanted flashbacks. I hated it.

She kept saying "Oo ganyan rin sinabi nila sa akin dati eh..." "oo kainis nga pag sinabi sa yo na walang gamot" "kawawa naman si czesca parehong pareho noon kay Rain" The test result weren't out yet and I was really anxious and It was not helping to hear her compare Czesca to my sister who is dead already. In my mind it was like i was whispering back that its not the same and It cant be. and I just lost it. I screamed "PATAY NA SI RAIN! PATAY NA SI RAIN! PATAY! PATAY! HUWAG MO SIYA IKUMPARA KAY RAIN! NAKALIBING NA SIYA SA LUPA!" i freaked out, it was like all the hidden tension that i didnt want to disclose just escaped me like loose bowel.

It was after I got the results 'prominent lump but no cystic masses found' that I was a little bit relieved and realized what i probably did to my mom. It was definitely wrong and certainly hurtful to scream to her that my sister is already nasa lupa and dead like she was just some random deceased. I was cruel and selfish (and was very offensive). I called my mom when i got back, blowed balloons out of surgical gloves for my youngest brother and eased the tension silently. I certainly did not want to watch my sister die,or lose her, I wanted her to live. I also knew how much hurt it brought us and my mom. Im sorry rain, Achie didnt mean it.

A Day without Rain...

August 22. Why do we commemorate someone's death? is it simply beacuse we cannot forget?

Its been 4 years since she died.


All the rivers flow to the Sea
Yet the Sea never become full
But to the place where they Go...
The river keeps on flowing.
-Ecclesiastes 1:7


sometimes when i pray.. i tend to fall asleep half way.
or Sometimes Im just trying to pray. Most times, my prayers are light and other times they are too dark.

But there are prayers we mean, we mean to the heart ...
I remember...
I never begged for a bigger miracle.. than for my sister to live.
Watching her gasping and forcing herself. .

It was moments i would never even in my nightmares dream my sister would have to go through...

Lord I do not know the reasons why ...
but behind my doubts is a trusting heart..
that You are God... A God who is just.
And that You.. have plans for us.
And that everyone has a purpose.
That where.. You have taken my sister is a far better place than here.

--Achie. ( Same prayer for 4 years. same prayer)

We Miss you...