From Blues to Burps

Late late dinner at Mc Gerry's last night. The food was great. The ambiance,'is' very chinatown so warning lang... if you are not used to people seemingly screaming all at the same time as if ready to kill each other but really just talking and you're strictly pang fine-dining,then you should just eat your dinner at home. :) But if it doesnt bother you,go because the food is great. (I said it twice to put emphasis ;p) I missed Sibut. It reminds me of Amah. She cooks mean sibut. :). And as usual hindi mawawala ang sweet n sour pork. love love love it. :P

Anyway while there, I talked to Ryan about what was bothering me about our situation right now and we have agreed that hindi na siya mag 'bibiro' ng mga ganun (example : may lalaki ka noh?) Sabi niya joking joking lang daw lahat yun eh. whooooohhhhhhh! Men.., Lulusot hangga't may lusot :) but its okay as long as he'll do as he said di ba? Thank you labylab (now that the collar's loosened up, magwawala na ako :p muwahahaa...deh joke ;) hehe ). See how fast my mood changes, cheery cherry na naman ako, hmm...must be the food.. We know there's a saying that "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" ako ganun din siguro hahaha "the way to my heart is through my stomach" but if im not a man and this doesnt apply to women...im a..bulate? ;p. Hay...so i have 'the way to get to my heart' 'the way to keep me' etc etc, Cherryl either ang demanding mo or i just really like to use the starting phrase "the way to....." ;p whatchathink? ;phehe, Sabi nga ni King Leonidas sa movie 300 "immortals..we'll put them to the test" ( wala.. malayo ba? walang koneksyon? hehe sorry pampagulo lang ;p). Sometimes i wonder if i have gained myself my very own psycho killer, tipong gusto na akong abangan and then kill me para hindi na ako makapag blog ng mga ikakasira ng inyong sanity. Ovvverrrrr. :p

Also i think i bumped into an old friend while we were there. Okay not 'i think' because actually i did. :) Although I dont think we were friends.. 'friends', we were more like a little of the opposite nung high school,pero siguro counted na rin as friends ;p ka-friendster eh. We really didnt say much to each other, other than hi hello how are you. Im not even sure if we meant it or if we really cared. Its not being plastic,It was just a good spur of the moment friendliness. :) buuuurrrrrp.

From Blah to Blues.

why do i subject myself to known and unknown judgements?
I dont always know the right words to use, when people ask me questions that are supposed to define who i am and how i am. I wish i could be more careful in choosing the words but like i said earlier i dont always have the right words. And it is so me. Im inevitably a jinx to myself sometimes. Story of my life. And i wish people could just simply not ask questions. Story of their life.

Enough. I've wasted too much blog space for that unidentifiable emotion above.
Change topic. I hate it that im sick. My voice is coarse, I sound like a guy and my back is aching so bad i could almost pin where my lungs are. *I could imagine them maroon red and swelling. *

Ryan is out to play basketball and he wont be back till 9. I wish I could play basketball. I missed shooting free throws. In fact I miss it to the extent, im willing to settle for Timezone. heyheyhey. Dont under estimate arcade basketball. ;p nakakapawis din yun ha. Buti pa ang mga guys. They can just find a court,gather a few friends or even strangers, chipped in and voila, basketball. Me I cant even think of 3 girls who likes to play basketball. Sabi ni Ryan "sama ka tapos shooting shooting ka lang dun" kaso naman if i do, mukha lang akong pa cutie pie. so never mind na lang.

Volleyball. Its not like i can go wear my rubber shoes, pack my bag and re-appear as an alumni and say hi can i join? I've taken the exit. Somewhere along there, I must have made it impossible for me to go back even if just for fun.
************
What i need now that i wish i can have:
I need my magic carpet. I know i dont even have one. Id like to be at the beach now please. Id really like that. Id really like not to have Ryan accuse me of checking out guys. stop. stop. stop.Im not. if...and if i am, i'll tell him naman so there is no need to accuse. Id like to be allowed to relax and not be accused of crushing on other guys. Id like to loosen the collar a little bit please. I dont even party and i usually dont go anywhere without you except for work and school.

Im not looking forward to partying like an animal, Ive never even smoked anythng other than pollution and I already learned my lesson a long long time ago that too much drinking can make you stupid. I just want to laugh a little without having to worry if its okay. I would like not to have my daily celphone check-up. No one in this entire universe texts me except my old friends / relatives and they're usually just quotes for the day, there is nothing to check. Im 24. Im not asking to be single. Im not asking for freedom. I just want to breathe a little. If im staying forever..at least let me breathe. That's why forever scares me, now i said it right. And one last thing, if you get to read this, I'd like you to take this very seriously. Ive been as good as i can get, honest as i can get,ive stuck through worst times and good times, give me what i earned. a little room for air. you know i love you. im crazy in a lot of ways but we both know that's crazy you can love. so dont go crazy on me anymore.

Dont scare me.

All Mixed Up.

a page each day off the calendar.
a portion of my brain for hannibal.
one beat less for this heart
each passing day i spent away.
away from the poems i used to silly write,
away from the colors that used to give me life.
The tick of the clock haunts me
and the tock of the clock taunts me
Dummified.

ay nako. wala toh. nag chichikahan kasi kami ni mhaan nung lunch break about things we want to do, long term career paths we want to take, and im sort of off the road. :)

inner struggling.
why. kasi im talking positive, thinking positive, feeling negative. hahaha :) or the other way around. bast hindi tally. ;)
Im just traumatized by how unpredictable my life's swings has been. Who would have thought Id find myself in the office doing paperworks, monitoring shipments,calculating forecasts,emails, involving myself with terms, Proforma Invoice,FA, Ex-works, ROHS, Accounting Terms, Raw Materials, NG defects - burr/short shot/ sink mark/ etc,Sales out of Never-existed in my life part numbers of the most oblivious items , industrial / mechanical / assembly companies shop for, etc.etc..
I never thought Id be in this chair. so business-ly. ( :P I re-invented this term for this one time use only,dont worry.) Eventhough the new job allows me to be the more artsy me, It hasnt been finalized.The scope, the offer, the training in Vietnam. Its still all a question to me... Everything is a 'will wait and see' status. Sure i know the training will be good for me if it pursues,Im taking it... but can i just say im somewhat scared and nervous also, imagine... facing long time big time professionals.. age ranging from 35-45 yrs old or older, all looking really really dead serious and I remember myself. Im in my early 20's, who is more used to wearing jeans and flats, clamps her hair whatever way, under-experienced, shit they'll know Im a rookie. I am a rookie. --ill do my best, compensate?--Im like alin alin alin ang naiba, piliin kung alin ang naiba - Batibot ;) (warning: typical inferiority complex attack :P) of course when the time comes they wont see me like that, but deep inside..chaos. hahaha ;) But until then, the unknown will seem alien and scary to me. Inevitably when you are already there, it seems all you can do is just do it or dont do it and lose your job and be stupid. :) I know its normal for everyone to feel this way sometimes, even the New boss will feel butterflies in his/her stomach during first brainstorming activity right? or not hahaha :)

inner struggling number 2.
I really want to go back to school.
I plan to do both, work and study, both full time.
conflicting schedules will be hard, what if have to go somewhere and i really cant miss a class?
see. see. see. priorities are all mixed up.

finish what i started which is okay or take a new course (AGAIN)this time take something i want.
what do i want, a lot of things parents tell you are stupid courses. hahaha :)a choice of Fine Arts. or something leaning towards it. Lifestyle. Humanitarian. Why the hell did i leave Sociology if ill end up looking for it someday. who knew? my bad.
Computer programming is not exactly my beloved choice. But only 2 years more and Im finally done.
And stock knowledge i have from it has done me good in my job right now. (considering its mere basics only)
Another sentence: Im the C.A student who joins a fine arts contest? wins it. do you think im lost or can i make this work for me? who sits infront of my computer to make the buttons work, a little later comes up with a song, am i lost?
I'd like to try making C.A work for me. There has to be some way. hahaha Im really mixed up.

The only thing not confusing in my life right now is ryan, me and czesca. that is one solid angle im looking at :P

Until then. Blog ends here. :)

Just Do It. - Nike

Impossible is Nothing.- Adidas