I Am Not Eskandalosa

Episodes of psychotic convulsions and seemingly demonic exorcisms, these are the other spices of our lives. Minsan gusto ko ng basagin ang ulo ni Ryan, and siguro gusto na niya akong bali-balian ng buto at patunugin na parang chicharon. And in the heat of any dense argument and in the verge of our stubbornness, the unexpected (turned knowingly-expected due to frequency of its occasion now) will happen. We will burst out laughing. I don’t know what’s so hilarious, because it’s not funny at all, pero yun tawa naman kami ng tawa. I knew it. Praning. And the peak of our rage will not just mellow down, it will simply disappear like it was never there. I believe we will never fully understand the transition.

Love na naman. I’m a one-girl-boy-band. (gulo noh…girl na nga one pa,,,boy band pa?)

Inatake ako ng hormones last Saturday:
“Im not eskandalosa” I thought. I could walk out calmly and may etiquette ako.
I took a fast gulp from the bottle of mineral water on my right hand as if it was beer.
I was on the escalator going down and he was up by the floor where I walked out on him, looking down on me by the railings, wooing me to calm my senses and go back up.
He was wooing me with his clueless-of-what-he-did-wrong-face... after he got me so mad, after he was mad. Abnoy from the planet of the apes! I swear sinadya niya munang pikunin ako. I threatened to throw at him the almost empty plastic bottle of water on my hand, to which he dared to laugh. AHHH. I snapped. I stopped thinking and just threw the bottle of water in the air, while I was still on the escalator. When it left my grasp however, I realized what I did (uh-oh), and when it did not go in the direction where I targeted it to go (Ryan’s laughing face), regret sunk in when I remembered ‘what goes up, will go down’.
I covered my head with my hands and just prayed it won’t land on someone else’s head and get my ass sued.(Nasa greenbelt ako hellow. Pag nasa Divisoria naman malamang nasaksak na ako.) It plummeted like a wild cranking solid piece of plastic, bouncing off the escalator handrail, ahead of me down to the floor I was descending to. I saw the guards rushed to it, but I picked it up before them.

Guard 1: Ma’am binato niyo?

CHE: “No hindeh, bakit ko naman ibabato?”

Guard 1: (with apologetic smile) ah sorry po. ang lakas lang po kasi ng bagsak hehe

Che: (smile din ako) ah ok lang, nabitawan ko kasi e hehe.

Kapal muks kong tiningnan ang mga reaksyon ng tao behind me during the escalator ride. Thank God walang tinamaan. I took the escalator up and Ryan was still laughing. AAAHHHH!Badong ka talaga Labylab” Ayoko man aminin, oo na Kainis. “oo na. Natawa na rin ako. I am nuts. Mixed-nuts. We had a big dinner and bought some stuffs at landmark then umuwi na..tawa tawa lang. mga baliw!

This is why they say Patience is a virtue.
And I am done with Lesson One.
I am not Eskandalosa.

love me the way i are Part III

Mahihibang Ka Rin

...Kapag tumibok ang puso

Early January, I placed a bet of 300 pesos that my friend and her ex-boyfriend would get back together again. To my dismay, ex-boyfriend is officially an X. He’s moved on with his new girlfriend. Obviously I did not see that coming and he was not aware of the 3-months-rule. (Sabagay, even I didn’t know anything about this rule until John Lloyd said there was such a thing. ;p) but by the way…, I don’t intend to pay! : P bwahahaha, the bet was supposed to be metaphorical anyway; the only expected facts were the getting-back-together-again-part, which unfortunately-for-my-fortune, did not happen. Pero have we not learned anything from our lives yet? “pustahan tayo keso ganito ganoon…ganyan..” Did we ever actually pay our little bets :P hehehe

In consolation to my con words, I’ve been a good friend, nagmala-chimay akong naglinis ng iyong silid, hindi ba? (but take note…take big note…nagmala-chimay lang,never mukhang chimay. ;p hahaha at talagang kailangan feelingera pa rin noh? Joke. ) While I listened to you asked the wrong questions but ironically derived the right answers?

Example:

Your question : mas mabuti naman akong tao kaysa sa iyo? Bakit nangyayari toh sa akin? (Ito ay isang example ng isang nonsense na katanungan – di ba? di ba?)

But it’s remarkable how she ends up with very important relevant answers:

Your own Answer: Ang pogi kasi niya. Ang pogi pogi niya. Grabeh ang Pogi niya.

Sarcasm.
Sweet as it is.

Love. Love. Love na naman. I almost blog the way common boy bands go on composing songs. Puro Love songs.

(This next line is for Elouise…. ;p) Child of the Smoked Fish! (And that’ll be the last of that word in my world of blogs. ;p)

But isn’t it true, that in all aspects of life, love is to be found, regardless kung happy or not. Love is somewhere behind every story (self, family, friendship, relationships, intimacy, lifestyle, career and finally life itself). The word starts off silly and it is often clichéd. But it is something people…which even in their exhaustion, never gets tired of. Parang hindi ka madala-dala. It is always interesting, it is always related, even when you are sick of it already. It is the sweetest and most painful irony this world has to offer. Minsan gusto mo magpasalamat sa Kupido, minsan gusto mo siyang sipain sa mukha.

But while it is all that, I still stand by what I believe in, that love is not complicated, we are. (haha…as if naman may kumontra eh no…pa stand by stand by pa ako :P)

Happy Frenzy Loving
Tribute to the last day of the love month.

Forgetful Lucy (Ang Pagsapi)

I remind myself to go back to what i might have overlooked
and I cloud myself with your gentleness.
I tell you my daydreams as i always do
and you listen to them as you always do.
The world thinks it should be enough.
I think it should be enough.

I wish to never forget.
I wish to remember.

Like a wild beast once again, tame me.

Re: to Crushed.

"am not perfect nor close to it.. i have also mistakes that made me this shattered and crushed again.. i did try to conceal my imperfections..try to patch the holes but i was too late to patch things up.. it was too late..and it hurts so bad that it really kills me inside.. i tried to save it..but it was really too late.. my heart is broken.. it is shattered and and the agony will continue..i dont know how long..it hurts so bad that u easily moved on..it feels like hell.. the thought.. you are gone and out of my life..seeing you will kill me more but somehow in some ways it will make me strong..maybe not now but in time.. i know everything will be fine.. but for now i want to tell u for the last time.. i love you and each waking up knowing your gone really feels like hell..."~~~anoynymous-by choice-friend.

While the rest of us embraced the New Year with big hugs, someone i know is hugging on to love lost. Love...it is really something exclusive. The whole of each is only conceivable by the very people involve. I mean, we've all been there, friends telling you he's not worth it.., he is panget after all,that there are better loves somewhere out there,they keep asking you what you see in the guy... but still we listen only to our hearts and answer only to what we feel. It is exclusive alright. In some cases, i even think love makes us stupid. (if you've never been there, dont bother reading this blog, it might contaminate your blissful idea of love or make me sound simply pessimistic -which im not trying to be, by the way. ;)- it is complicated to those who are virgins to subjective similar situations.)Anyway, I placed a bet of 300 pesos that my broken-hearted-friend-blog-above will re-unite with dear-lost-beloved or that dear-lost-beloved will at least attempt to get back with her within 3 months. I dont hope i win though, I mean the guy is okay but personally i have a hunch he's not the one ( will not disclose my reasons in respect to both parties) and like i say in mind...'if you are not the one, dont waste time''. But then again, whatever is the outcome, as long as my friend's happy and sane , I'll be here and trust she knows what she's doing (Kaya mo yan! Repeat after me: "Pag Ibig Ka Lang!" mwahaha ;p.Hell. Ive been here (not exactly the same pero yung feeling ng despair in love i mean). God knows I've walked on hot coals and broken pieces of glass for love. Did it stop me? No. But true enough that in the sad end, real sore heartbreaks can make you cry like the Pagsanjan Falls,stay sleepless for nights, all the while feeling a gong just beneath your chest being hit over and over again. It almost seem like the pain will never ever stop. It almost seem like every little thing reminds you of that person you wish your heart can forget or if not the person at least the feelings. Its insane. Ganyan talaga ang life. Buti na lang, there will always be a rainbow after the rain, the leprechaun's pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and a leprechaun chasing after you ;p sorry sinusumpong na naman ako ng kalokahan ;p corny mo suno. Seriously,ultimately naman the heart is destined to come out wiser with a more cautious but deeper love naman on the positive side (as supposed to be). And plus! Its time to beautify (->even more). :) or sulk a few days (give yourself a deadline on the sulking though) Chippy lang katapat nyan, pancit canton, ice cream, salon, spa and popcorn na rin. :) hahaha pinapataba lang kita ;) As for cruellas that surround you, dont mind them, now that you're singlish ;p they better hold on to their bf's. (naks ang hangin mo..ehehe). In time...Mr. Right will come around and love is just bound to happen. :)

Ahh.We talked on the phone last night for hours and i listened to her endless expressions of her suddenly-poetic broken heart. (Wow 'Lugmo' ang lalim...'dalamhati' etc, just goes to prove how desperately we try to define not the word 'pain' but the feeling of pain...) I think she'll be fine though,come worst- that her love has found someone else. Because if she wont be fine, why the hell are we friends for? Didnt we learn anything from each other. Naks! hoy 300 pesos ko! I keep talking here like Im Ms. Jane de Mango. Im no love expert/therapist. Just your friendly support who is willing to listen to your mindless drama-joke!. hehe:) and maybe tease you a little bit. "Pag Ibig Ka Lang!" hahaha ;P.

Love Me The Way I Are?

As much as i would like to claim that I am perfect. Im not. :) Im just me. My heart is complicated. I will never know where Ryan gets his patience from. Why everything I do is cute (kahit sa totoo lang, pwede na akong i-silya elektrika sa topak) Life is nuts and so am I. Yes, that was hard to admit hahaha (that im nuts :p), of course i want to be dubbed "the ideal girl of the century" but Im not. All i am is me.

I like to be pampered constantly. I'm spoiled and I can be bitchy. I lose my temper over something as stupid as freakin' nothing. My flaws are all laid out. Im your silly sweet dream girl and then the girlfriend from hell the next minute. Sometimes even I confuse myself. But where people judge me, Ryan understands. I wonder why even when i'm already dead angry/unreasonable and Im being the pain in the ass that i know i am, Ryan just laughs and looks at me like im a little fluffy bunny all cute and cuddly. I hate it. That I cannot see what he sees in me. I love him. because he loves me like i know he does, and im pretty sure no man in this life could probably love me the same way (endure me the same way ;p hahaha). I mean WARNING: OCASSIONALLY POSSESSED BY AN EVIL SPIRIT. who would love someone like that? I wish i could love him the way he loves me (except pagaka seloso). (ang haba ng hairrr :P) But again Im just me, I can only love you the way my heart can. Ill try to do better. In fairness naman,Im not the typical SOCO girlfriend who is always after checking up on his private stuffs. But point me at the right wrong directions and maybe i'll be tempted to peek in every now and then. ;p ahahaha.

The winner sa Dakilang Pag-Ibig of the Century Award ay si Ryan. Thanks. For being consistent despite my inconcistencies. You know ako, I like great love stories. I dream of being in one and hindi ko kaagad na realize that Im already in one.

~~One day at time.

FoReVeR LoVe *wink

When Im being a kid and you are losing it,
and Im pouting like I do holding back my baby tears,
You will take one long hard look at me
And when i look back at you, my face is as it is.
my stubborness as it is, then everything comes back to you
and you smile at me like im the cutest thing you have ever seen.
Then you hug me and you tell me im the cutest thing you have ever seen.
and you say you love me like the cutest thing you will ever see.
I wonder if we can be like this forever.
As childishly in love like this forever.

When you are eating and im eating off your plate,
and you start complaining because im eating more share..
and i look at you like hate is about to well up in my eyes,
you will spoon feed me the best part of the dish
you pour me my glass of cold juice..Im happy again,
and I love you.
Until after a few days when i start feeling fat,
i depress myself with reminders, i do not fit in my clothes no more,
but then you put your arms around me and tell me how lucky you are,
I am your beauty queen and you make me feel like one every day.

And when you touch your scars which ruined your abs,
and you look at me and ask if you are pogi...
I tell you how exactly the same you are to me
the first time we looked at each other.
Sinong Pogi? shempre Ako.
I wonder if we can see each other this way forever
As ageless and timeless in love like this forever.

Bolero and Bolera like this forever.

When you dont listen and then you get sick,

I get mad , worried at the same time,

and then when i dont listen and i get sick,

you get mad when i lie im already fine,

but what i wonder about is if we could live forever

if i can still lay my head on your shoulder and see our grandchildren together..

looking forward.. we could do just that.

When i tell you to wake me up in the morning
and i hate you for doing so in the morning,

we wonder why we are so annoying :)
The intensity has never been shaken.
All my wonderings come to cease,
That I could live like this forever.
and we could love like this today.

Because Forever is simply every tomorrow.
If it is not ours to tell...Maybe the day today can.